The Top 10 Most Absurd Weapons in Video Games
10. Shovel Knight – Shovel Blade
Much like the Keyblades in Kingdom Hearts, the Shovel Blade is a weapon that makes the game. The Shovel Knight’s Shovel Blade is the premier multipurpose weapon of Shovel Knight, regardless of it appearing to be nothing more than a shovel. True to its namesake, this particular shovel is perfectly crafted to dig up the most stubborn tufts of dirt and is finely tuned for enemy slaying. Additionally, the Shovel Blade has an oddly bouncy tip that allows Shovel Knight to “pogo” atop enemies as well as various platforms and projectiles, making it an irreplaceable companion for our vertically challenged protagonist. Despite the Shovel Blade proving itself a most capable weapon in the able hands of the Shovel Knight, it doesn’t change the fact that this warrior is adventuring with a shovel and will never cease to bring laughs to the Armor Outpost.
9. Kingdom Hearts – The Keyblade
The Keyblade is the sort of weapon that is pretty much exactly what it sounds like, a sword in the shape of a giant key. The best part of these bludgeon sticks is the fact that the series of Kingdom Hearts is absolutely lousy with them. As a game that gets an infinite amount of flack for taking itself too seriously in its convolution, the keyblade is a magnetic image to eyes unfamiliar to the series. Most keyblades have very fun designs that tend to resemble the worlds where you acquire them in order to hide the fact that you are indeed running around with a giant key (i.e. The Divine Rose being clung to by roses, and their thorny vines drawing parallels to the Beast’s Rose in Beauty and the Beast), but it usually has the opposite effect. In terms of capabilities, the Keyblade is excellent at beating the darkness out of every heartless in your way. Narratively, that is the influence the Keyblade has on the enemies when you’re mashing X in combat. The end goal that requires you to wield this hunk of iron is to lock away the hearts of these worlds so that they won’t be further invaded and corrupted by the Heartless. This is done by shooting a beam of light out from the tip of the Keyblade which is among the more hilarious recurring scenes Kingdom Hearts blesses us with.
8. Saints Row: The Third – Apoca-Fist
As a game series that never even attempts to take itself seriously, Saints Row houses some of the most ridiculous weapons in the industry. Having to choose between the many weaponized penises and a gun that uses the power of dubstep against every unsuspecting baby boomer I believe brought a clean winner to light. Attained by completing the Murderbrawl XXXI mission, the Apoca-Fist is a pair of oversized novelty gloves that look similar to the Hulk Hands you’d find at your local Walmart. These fists have only one purpose outside of giving hands to a sentient toilet, and that is to absolutely obliterate anything you decide to punch. It’s no overstatement to say that you liquefy just about every person you touch. The only downside that comes with this weapon is that it overrides your Testicular Assault (it’s exactly what is sounds like) attack with the usual obliteration. The Apoca-Fist probably isn’t the grossest thing found in this series, but it’s just about the most degenerate thing.
7. Dark Souls III – Giant Door Shield
Found only in the Ringed City DLC of Dark Souls III, the Giant Door Shield is a pair of greatshields wielded in each arm that become a full door when activating its weapon art. Weapon Arts is the mechanic that evolved from Bloodborne where most weapons have additional abilities outside of the “mash R1”. The Giant Door Shield’s particular weapon art can only be properly be put to use by the “turtleiest” of beef builds. Warriors of ash that boast the greatest of stamina pools and most stubborn poise become walking thresholds no undead could hope to overcome. In terms of attacks, it has a stomp-like shield bash when separated and a quick dash attack that lunges the full force of door when held together. The biggest appeal to the Giant Door Shield is that this greatshield absorbs an absurd amount of damage that may try to knock its way in. Just be wary of fire: this thing is almost entirely wooden and Midir won’t hesitate to be your big bad wolf.
6. Dead Rising 2 – Super Slicer
After the first Dead Rising set the tone for the series’ combat and weapons, Dead Rising 2 decided to take it another step further and introduce combo cards and combo weapons to its combat. Outside of the obvious combinations like nunchuck chainsaws and boxing gloves with a bowie knife attached to the end of each fist, Dead Rising 2 also takes into account the players draw towards absurdity rather than convenience. The Super Slicer combo weapon is one of those weapons. Created by attaching a lawnmower to the top of a Servbot Mask, this weapon is exactly as described. Like a prop straight out of Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive, the Super Slicer is worn as a helmet this weapon is used by charging head-first into the hordes of zombies before you and literally mowing them down.
5. Ratchet and Clank – Sheepinator
Ratchet and Clank is a series that is most known for its wide variety of wacky guns and the sheer fun players get out of the gunplay provided. The series’ most notable gun is almost assuredly Going Commando’s Sheepinator, which does exactly what it sounds like. Incepted from the cascading maelstrom of a mind housed by Dr. Nefarious, the Sheepinator is a laser that transforms almost every non boss enemy into a sheep. Now “How (you may ask) could this wonderful machine get any better?” The answer is, of course, by simply upgrading the gun into the Black Sheepinator, which has the secondary effect of causing the poor sheep to explode. Or, if you’re playing the 2016 Ratchet and Clank, the Sheepinator gets upgraded into the Goatinator where each newly “goatified” sheep make the other nearby enemies transform into goats and then explode. The Sheepinator is one of the most effective guns in Ratchet and Clank, and it’s the way for anyone experience the euphoria of wiping out an entire wave of enemies in a single bleat.
4. Skyrim – Wabbajack
Most oddities in regards to a game’s weapons tend to still have a clear application to its use, and the player will have no problem laying waste with the oddity. However, in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, you can find yourself wielding a magical staff called the Wabbajack. This magical staff is the love project of Sheogorath, the Prince of Madness which should give you a fair idea of what kind of shenanigans this weapon will get you in. The Wabbajack can cast a great variety of spells, ranging from a simple fireball and heal to the more impactful resurrection and invisibility. Normally, that would be about it and we’d be pretty happy, but there’s a reason why the Wabbajack is so infamous; it also has the effects of transforming a random enemy into a dremora lord or even a dragon if you’re especially unlucky. I say unlucky because every effect that can happen is all determined at random upon cast. You’re essentially using a Clefairy in the form of a stick that only knows Metronome. It’s all Dealer’s Choice with the Wabbajack and you’re along for the ride. Maybe you feel lucky and it’ll heal you or turn that frost troll in the distance into a pile of money and cheese, or maybe it’ll decide that your play time has hit a fine end point and decide to decapitate you or turn the mudcrab that was just out of eyesight into a giant fire breathing migraine.
3. Bloodborne – Kos Parasite
One of the more interesting trick weapons (weapons that can transform in combat producing different effects) found in Bloodborne is this very alive parasite you receive after defeating one of the most difficult bosses From Software has ever concocted: the Orphan of Kos. Known only as the Kos Parasite, this weapon does nothing when equipped – outside of maybe giving your bare fists a slight numbness after being latched on for extended periods of time. Only after doing a side quest involving a saint, some brain fluid, and pulsating heads without their bodies will you gain the Caryll Rune called Milkweed, as well as the ability to use the parasite to its fullest. The Milkweed Rune will cause your character to lose what little remaining semblance it had to humanity, replacing your body with a sort of Cauliflower head and a slithery, malnourished body that’s clung to by some slugs addicted to skinship. The Kos Parasite transforms into pale blue tentacles that are always retracting, gripping your arms and wriggling about as though they were your own personal tendrils. Some added attacks include the ability to regurgitate poisonous fluid from the vegetation that has become your head and an attack where your body contorts, wraps the tentacles around it, and breaks every bone that might have been in your body, releasing an arcane explosion that is equally destructive as it is terrifying to witness. The Kos Parasite feels just as much of a joke as it does a headache to even wield correctly, but it’s also one of the most hilarious things you can go online and invade with, fully knowing that the poor player will have no clue what to do against a fluorescent, writhing, vomiting vegetation that chucks slugs by simply sneezing.
2. God of War – Dairy Bastard Milk Jugs
Upon the first completion of God of War, a series of ten challenges are unlocked called the Challenge of the Gods. The trials range from defeating a set number of enemies within a certain time to reaching the end of a stage while being pelted by archers from afar. If you can complete all of these challenges, you will be rewarded with a series of odd costumes for Kratos, including the Dairy Bastard costume which makes Kratos look like a part-timer at the underworld’s Chick-fil-A. The Dairy Bastard costume also replaces the Blades of Chaos with milk jugs and comes with the added effect of giving Kratos unlimited magic, but the milk jugs cut your attack power by half. Outside of being able to bombard your enemies with unending magic, the big treat is the costume selection screen, greeting you with a Kratos who is visibly burdened by his faux udders.
1. Red Faction: Armageddon – Mr. Toots
One of the greatest awards any player can get when finishing a game is some nice incentive to go back and continue the experience. In Red Faction: Armageddon, the prize that awaits your war-torn hands is a small unicorn named Mr. Toots. The highly destructive and equally adorable Mr. Toots is the kind of unicorn Santa would cook up in an eggnog induced stupor for PETA’s worst offender on their very best year. Our most unfortunate unicorn is about as big as a drum gun and handled quite similarly. His head is always facing the player and the ammunition is propelled through the kaleidoscope that is Mr. Toots’ anus emitting the spectacle of a destructive rainbow laser. When cocked and fired, Mr. Toots makes the most agonizing face and writhes about in your cold, cruel hands, probably wishing that the next wave of enemies would be his last.
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